Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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