Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
