Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
