Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
