ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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