I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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