I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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