So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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