i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
As shirtless as possible
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
