Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
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