nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
How external is "for external use only"?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
