When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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