i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
