Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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