Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
