it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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