; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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