Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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