I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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