Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
