If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
