so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I'm just crazy horny about you
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
