The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
