you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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