my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
