I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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