Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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