Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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