I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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