I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize