I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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