I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
