remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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