I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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