alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
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