Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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