i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
