cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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