dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Randomize