I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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