I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
