Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
