My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
