Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Randomize
