Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
