I wanna bring you to show and tell
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
