I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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