does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize