He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
