My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
