guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
