I just gift wrapped bread.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
