Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
