We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
