my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Randomize
