Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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