FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
foreskin is a definite game changer
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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