my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
