I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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