I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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