I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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