I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
