if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
