She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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