I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize