Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
