I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
