I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
